“Where do you go?” "Why can't I reach you?" His eyes ask the questions he won’t speak aloud. Truth be known, he didn’t want to know the answers. He had vague ideas and they weren’t pleasant. He tried not to think about it; tried to pretend there was nothing wrong. It was easier that way. He loved his wife with all his heart but he wasn't the nurturing "caretaker" type.
He stared at her a lot during these "difficult times." Mostly when he thought she wasn't looking. She may not be able to see close-up anymore but her peripheral vision was still pretty good. She knew he didn't understand. This wasn't a black-and-white issue. His analytical mind couldn't grasp what she and the many television commercials tried to explain. Hell, she didn't understand, either, she just lived with it. She was tired of apologizing to the kids "...it's the medicine - another day or two and I'll be fine..."
He was a modern-day man with an old-fashioned view of the world. He was uneasy with the newest medical fads such as ADHD, depression, bi-polar, etc. People get sad, kids don't like to pay attention and it's very possible to make poor choices without having an 'illness'. He hated the way the medical field would take everyday things, slap a fancy name on it, then tout the latest and greatest miracle drugs to treat it. Gone was the need to be responsible for your own behavior and choices. After all, you couldn't help it. You had a bona-fide illness...
Unhappy? Here, pop these pills and we’ll have you walking on air in no-time. Well, like it or not, you’re going to be unhappy at times in your life. Kids not paying attention? You’re kidding me, right? Just give them some pills and enjoy that glazed look in their eyes. You get the idea.
With a wife and children of varying ages and stages, these topics would routinely be debated around the dinner table. But things don't always go the way we'd like them to. Sometimes we have to re-evaluate. Sometimes we get pulled out of our comfort zone and have to give things a closer look - even when it goes against the grain.
You see, some years into their marriage, his wife was diagnosed with chronic, severe depression. A condition she’d had as long as she could remember – even from early childhood. As for her, she was relieved to discover there was an explanation for so many things she’d lived with all these years. Him, he didn’t know what to make of it. His thoughts ran along the lines of "Couldn’t you just get over it?" "Move on?" "Pray?" "Pray harder?" "Why do you need pills?" "Those things mess with your brain!"
It was also hard not being able to wholly depend on the woman he loved so much. At the back of his mind he felt this was a weakness but he’d never say as much – never even admit it to himself. They were a team. He was happy to do his part, but could she be counted on to carry the load of their marriage and family along with him? Would he have to expect to do it all alone and just be thankful for what he got during the “good” times? His feelings toward these topics and his feelings for his wife were at odds with each other. He was most comfortable not thinking about it. But there were times when it was unavoidable.
She was on medication, had been for years now, and probably would be for many years to come . For the most part it was okay. She never felt like they got it quite right, though. There were still days, too many days, where the darkness enveloped her. Overtook her. Seeped into every fiber of her being. He thought she was looking for paradise from a pill bottle. The idea was laughable.
He hated the medication. It changed her - or at least it could, he supposed. She seemed to take it all so lightly and like everything else with this illness, it made him uncomfortable.
The most difficult times came with medication changes or lapses. Something as simple as a delay from the pharmacy could throw her system off for days. Medication changes would mean weeks of hell; the darkness, always the darkness. Disrupted sleep, odd dreams, clenched jaws, increased hunger, decreased hunger, night sweats, nausea, and on and on it went.
Yes, most days they were a normal family dealing with the normal issues of the day. But still, other days, the difficult ones, found him staring at her when he thought she wasn't looking. Wondering where she was and how he could help her. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it made him feel or how dark her darkness was.
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