Lost in the dark...

I feel the familiar stirrings ---

and sigh.

I never know what to do with them. I feel the discontent growing. An unmet need - but for what?

I'm tired. I'm tired of pursuing the elusive. I'm tired of trying to feed the emptiness. Feed it with food, "things," projects, hobbies. No matter what I throw at it it's never satisfied.

I see doctors, I take pills, I read books, I write a blog. I miss my mother. I want to run away, I want to stay. I want to cling to my husband - I want to stand strong alone. I need guidance. I need help. And no one's there.

I have riches beyond comprehension. I have the love of my husband and my children. I have a lovely home and lack for nothing. I'm smart and capable and clueless and lost. I'm one of the loneliest people I know and I have no right to be. I have no right to wallow in this darkness I want to run to the light but the light eludes me. Where do I go for help?

I long to hold on to my children even when I know it's time to let go. Fearful of crossing the boundaries that are present when one's child becomes an adult I find I pull away. I'm also aware that it is (was) my job to take care of them - it's not for them to take care of me.

God.

I know you are there. I know your hand is there for me; a lifeline. Do I not trust you? My heart offers you my life - is it ego that won't let go? My journey feels like the waves on the shore. Inching forward, closer - only to be drawn back once again.

This is the darkness. I know the light will shine again. But why this darkness; why again and again? I want to be whole, I want to succeed. I want to be normal. Lord, I pray...